


In Retrospect it Seems Obvious

by astano



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astano/pseuds/astano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a request I saw a few days ago about five times in Santana's past she thought she might be a lesbian and the time she admitted it to herself. Doesn't quite follow that but near enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Retrospect it Seems Obvious

**ONE**

Five year old Santana really didn’t know why she was in so much trouble, sure she had deliberately run off with the girl’s pencil but what was the big deal? Whenever a boy wanted to show her he liked her he did mean things to her. That was how things worked, wasn’t it?

When the new girl had appeared in class one Monday morning Santana immediately knew she _had_ to become friends with her. With blonde hair, blue eyes and a pristine white dress the girl looked like an angel in Santana’s eyes. So, she did what the boys would do to her when they wanted to show they liked her.

She had tried to explain to the teacher that she was only doing it because she wanted to be friends with the girl, it seemed obvious to her and she couldn’t understand why she was sitting inside while everyone else was allowed outside to play.

As she thought more about what she had done she realised that the girl _had_ seemed upset. Starting to feel a little bad about almost making the girl cry she thought about what she could do to make it up to her.

Ten minutes later she was edging slowly to the door of the classroom. She knew she wasn’t supposed to leave the room but this couldn’t wait. She spotted the new girl sitting by herself on a bench in the corner of the playground and made her way over.

“Hi,” she said shyly, holding a slightly crumpled piece of paper out to the girl. “I’m Santana, I made this for you.”

The girl took the proffered piece of paper and looked down at it. It was hard to make out _exactly_ what the drawing was, but there was a definite blob surrounded by a halo of yellow crayon and another with black/brown etched around it.

“It’s me and you,” Santana explained, “We’re friends... will you be my friend?”

The girl looked up and smiled at Santana nodding her head.

 

**TWO**

“But I don’t _need_ a babysitter anymore,” Santana whined, “I’m nine now and I can look after myself.”

She sulked around the house for the next hour as her parents finished getting ready for their fortnightly dinner out. Normally she didn’t mind having a babysitter, normally it was her older brother and he let her stay up late and play computer games with him. But this wasn’t normally. This time her brother was out with his friends and Santana certainly didn’t want to spend the evening with someone she didn’t know, someone who was going to make her eat her _vegetables_ for tea and send her to bed at the time she was _supposed_ to go to bed. No, Santana wasn’t happy at all.

“Laura should be here any minute,” she heard her Mama say from the other room. “You make sure you are a good girl for her and listen to everything she says.”

Santana’s bottom lip jutted out even further as she sunk into the sofa cushions. This was not going to be a fun night.

Too soon the doorbell rang signalling the arrival of her jailor for the evening. Santana pulled herself up from the sofa and stomped towards the door. She stared at the floor while her Mama opened the door but her eyes were ready to glare up at the girl waiting on the other side. She could be quite intimidating she thought and she wanted the babysitter to know just how she felt about being left alone with her.

As the door swung open her eyes travelled up the body that had been revealed, glare still firmly in place. As her eyes reached the girl’s face, however, they widened in shock.

“You’re beautiful,” Santana whispered.

The girl smiled and held out her hand which Santana readily took.

“I’m Laura, what’s your name?”

Suddenly, Santana thought, she might not mind being babysat after all.

 

**THREE**

“Come on Brittany,” Santana cajoled, “It’ll be fun.”

“But it won’t, I don’t want to be scared, it’s not fun being scared.” Brittany’s eyes were wide with fear already as she looked at the height of the big wheel in front of her. “It’s so high, what if we fall out?”

“We won’t fall out,” Santana reassured the girl, “Look at the bars in front of each seat, they hold you in.”

Brittany was still unsure. Seeing the hesitation in the other girl Santana held her pinkie out for Brittany to grasp with her own.

“I’ll keep you safe,” she said, “You hold on to the bars and I’ll hold on to you and we won’t go anywhere.”

“You promise?”

“I promise, I’ll always keep you safe.”

Brittany nodded her assent and Santana led them over to the ride. She didn’t let go of Brittany’s pinkie until they were ready to be seated in one of the swinging chairs. As the bar across the front swung closed Brittany reached out to grab it and Santana scooted closer to the girl putting her arm around slightly trembling shoulders.

As the ride began Brittany started to lose some of her nerves and relaxed her grip on the bars in front.  As they reached the apex of the wheel Brittany squealed in joy at all she could see around.

Santana looked at the delighted girl, glad she managed to persuade her to come on the ride. She knew Brittany would enjoy it once she got over her nerves.

“It’s all so beautiful,” Brittany breathed.

Still gazing at her friend, Santana replied, “Yes, beautiful.”

 

**FOUR**

Brittany was the one who kissed her first. She wasn’t sure how it happened, one minute they were sitting together on her bed working on their ninth grade science project, the next Brittany’s lips were on hers and before Santana could fully comprehend the situation her instinct took over and she was kissing Brittany back.

It felt good, really good, nothing like the times she had fumbled with any boy, their sloppy lips and probing tongues making her shiver in disgust. This was soft and warm and when Brittany’s tongue flicked out across her bottom lip the shiver that passed through Santana’s body was anything but disgust.

As the kiss ended her mind was reeling, her senses in overdrive and it took several attempts to get her eyes back open.

“Wh-what was that for,” she stuttered.

“I just wanted to see what it was like,” Brittany answered with a bright smile, “it was nice, we should do it again.”

And although Santana really, really wanted to, when her senses finally returned to her she realised that it was never going to happen, Brittany was her _friend_ , she was also a _girl_ , girls didn’t kiss girls, they kissed boys. She didn’t think it was really fair given that obviously girls were much better kissers than boys, but that was how things were supposed to be.

 

**FIVE**

Santana was pretty sure she should be feeling _something_ at this point, but, as she lay there with Puck grunting and groaning on top of her, she just felt bored... and slightly hungry. She’d had sex nearly twenty times now, with several different boys and she really couldn’t work out what the big deal was. The first time it hurt a little, but that was only to be expected, after that, it was just ten minutes of sweaty grinding, soggy kisses and, if she was lucky, some really poor dirty talk which at least gave her something to laugh about later.

She really didn’t know why everyone was so desperate to do this, but at least, she reasoned, she got a free meal out of it.

Once Puck finally finished and rolled off her she chanced a glance at the clock.

“Shit,” she exclaimed, “I gotta go, I was supposed to meet Brittany half an hour ago to help her with the Math homework we got today.”

That wasn’t strictly true, but Puck didn’t know that, and she wasn’t sure how much more of his company she could take. She knew Brittany would be pleased to see her in any case, she always was.

An hour later she was safely wrapped in a blanket on Brittany’s sofa, unconsciously trailing her fingers through the hair of the blonde head sleepily resting in her lap.

“Brit,” she said softly.

“Mhhm.”

“When you’re, you know, _with_ a guy, do you feel good?”

“You mean sex?” At Santana’s nod she thought carefully for a second. “Sometimes, yeah, it feels good, like really good.” She laughed a little as if embarrassed, “but sometimes, it’s really, really bad.” She hesitated a second then asked, “Why, doesn’t it make you feel good?”

“No, I mean sometimes I think it might be, but then no, it doesn’t really make me feel anything at all.”

“Maybe they’re doing it wrong then?”

Santana sighed, “I don’t think so, maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the one that’s doing something wrong.”

Brittany smiled up at Santana and reached out to place a reassuring kiss on the nearest piece of exposed skin, “I’m sure it’s not you, you worry too much.”

At the touch of Brittany’s lips to her stomach Santana drew in a sharp breath.

Brittany felt the intake of breath and could see Santana’s stomach muscles clench involuntarily. Experimentally she placed another kiss then another and another only stopping when Santana dragged her face away and asked what she was doing.

“I was making you feel good,” she stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Before Santana could protest any further Brittany swivelled herself into a sitting position and brought her lips down to caress Santana’s neck. When she brought her teeth into play, lightly nipping and grazing along Santana’s pulse point the other girl was lost. She reached out for Brittany, hands winding into blonde hair as her head lolled further to one side allowing more access to the mouth that was starting to drive her insane.

She could do nothing but moan when a hand came up to caress her breast and later, when lips blazed a trail down her body, she was almost embarrassed at the way her hips thrust desperately upwards and at the ragged, needy way she begged, “Please...”.

Afterwards, eyes still closed, she enjoyed the feeling of Brittany tracing random patterns over her stomach.

“Maybe it just takes twenty times or so before you actually feel anything,” she whispered.

Brittany’s hand stilled for a moment, but Santana, lost in her own thoughts, didn’t notice and, with her eyes still closed, she certainly didn’t notice the brief look of hurt that flashed across the other girl’s eyes.

 

**ONE**

Santana didn’t want to talk to anyone about her feelings. She had grown quite used to ignoring them, pushing them all into a box at the back of her mind. She had a plan, a plan that involved surviving high school by staying at the top of the food chain. Her plan certainly hadn’t involved sitting in a ‘sexy sharing circle’ and admitting that she was attracted to girls.

She wasn’t _technically_ lying when she said she was attracted to guys as well. There had been that one guy at cheerleading camp she thought was hot. Granted at the time she thought he was a she, but that still counted, didn’t it?

Even if the lyrics hadn’t fit so perfectly, the song title would have been apt, afterwards, she most certainly felt as if there had been a landslide in her brain. Every thought, every feeling she had bottled up for so long now seemed to have free reign. It wasn’t hard to look back and see the signs, after all, with hindsight things are usually a lot more obvious. The girl in first grade, her babysitter, the dissatisfaction she always felt in any relationship, it all fell into place with a big clunk.

 _I’m a lesbian_ , she thought.

It terrified her. She had never been more scared in her whole life than when those three words swept through her mind but, in all the jumble of emotions, there was one image that brought her back towards sanity, and, she was finally coming to realise, it was the same image that had always done the same.

Brittany.

It might not have been in her plan, but Brittany was part of her and now Santana had finally admitted that to herself she could never take it back. She could only hope Brittany felt the same.


End file.
